NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



iS.^ 



\KER'5 CDITISN 
i or PLnY3 



A Regular Scream 



Price, 25 Cents 



?£= 




COPYRIGHT, 1889, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 



H. m* Plnero's Plays 

Price, SO ectits Eacli 



Tlir A M A 7nNQ Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five fe- 
lIlEi t\illi\£t\Ji%0 males. Costumes, modern; scenery, not 
difacult. Plays a full evening. 

THE CABINET MINISTER malel, Sine^^emaleJ*. Cof 
tumes, modern society; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening* 

HA WHY niPIT Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, four fe- 
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mr AV I nOn HITFY comedy in Four Acts. Pourmalea, 
UiVI LiVFI\U VUdA ten females. Costumes, modern; 
icenery, two interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. 

UIC UniTCF fM nPni7D comedy in Four Acts. Nine males, 
niO nUUi3£i 111 UALFEilV four females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. , 

TUr UriRUV UnPCP comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, 
iriEi nXJDDl nyJROLM nve females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery easy. Plays two hours and a half. 

fnfC Drama in Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, 
i**^*"^ modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

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Lti\Ul DVUlliirULt females. Costumes, modern; scen- 
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f PTTV Drama in Four Acts and an Epilogue. Ten males, five 
"•-•* * * females. Costumes, modern; scenery complicated. 
Plays a full evening. 

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A Regular Scream 

{Royal Fetters) 
A Comedy in Two Acts 

For Male Characters Only 



By 

GLADYS RUTH BRIDGHAM 

Author of The Turn in %e Road^' ''The 

^leen of Hearts ^^ " Three of a 

Kind^' etc. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1913 



-*1 
A 



A Regular Scream 



CHARACTERS 



{As originally presented by the Cole Class, at the Flint 
Street Church, East Somerville, Mass., April i6, IQIJ.) 

Prince Cyril, of Verengetz, Harvard Freshman 

known as Cyril Romaitig .... Charles Boutilier. 
Carlos Romaine, his cousin .... Ralph Watson. 
Lieutenant Boranze, of the Royal Army of 

Verengetz Clarance Collins. 

Hon. John Winslow Charles Finlay. 

Myles Standish Winslow, his son . . Harold Lord. 

Benjamin Franklin Winslow, his jiephew . Harry Freeto. 
Horace Webber ") Harvard sophomores Walter Levering. 
Arthur Loveland \ and members David Trench . 

Richard Mason ) of the G. R. E. Willard Fleming. 

Austin Beaufort Lawrence Taylor. 

Silas Brown, colored Paul Hewes. 

Costumes : — Modern. 
Scene : — April of any year. 

A half hour is supposed to elapse between Acts I and II. 




Copyright, 191 3, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 



/ 



SOLD 33676 



A Regular Scream 



ACT I 

SCENE. — The living-room of John Winslow's bungalo7u, 
Cape Cod coast. Exits R. and l. ; a window at the back ; 
a divan near the window ; a dining table in centre of room ; 
small table with telephone at L. A stairway should lead 
from room^ but this is not necessary, as all entratices and 
exits by stairs can be made at the right. 

{When the curtain rises on the first act the room is in ex- 
treme disorder. The table is piled high with books a?id 
papers. Coats y caps, sweaters, books, papers afid so forth 
strewn about in every direction. Myles Standish Wins- 
low is discovered writ ifig at table, C.) 

Myles (starting to look at watch ; discovering that he hasnU 
it on; looking about ; calling). Web, what time is it ? 

Horace Webber (outside). Why — er — about — quarter past 
six. 

Myles. It is? The bunch must be lost. Say, what in 
blazes were the Chiltern Hundreds, do you know ? 

Web. Why, a dance that Bessie McCoy did in *< Three 
Twins," wasn't it? 

Myles. No, you confounded bluffer, it wasn't ! 

Enter Web., r. 

Web. Well (yaw?ii?ig), then, I don't know. 

Myles. Of course you don't. You never know anything 
worth while. How do you get by ? 

Web. Intelligent face and a thoughtful air. But I do seem 
to have a hazy vision of Chiltern Hundreds. Is it something 
you are especially interested in ? 

Myles. Not in the least. Merely something I am supposed 



4 A REGULAR SCREAM 

to know. Say, I'm afraid the fellows have missed their way. 
Perhaps I should have gone along, but it seemed as if Ben 
could steer them right. 

Web. Most likely they are steering him. I shouldn't worry. 
If four husky rah, rah's can lose themselves in this burg, they 
deserve no better fate than to die with their toes turned up to 
the daisies. ( Walks toward window.) But worry no more. 
Yonder some one cometh. 

Myles. Only one ? 

Web. So it seems. 

Myles. Who is it ? 

Web. Lovie. (Sits down by table. Slight pause.) 

Enter Arthur Loveland, l. 

Love. All hail, gentlemen ! 

Myles. It's about time. Where have you been ? 

Web. More to the point, did you get anything for our 
supper ? 

Love. I didn't. I was otherwise occupied. I believe that 
Karl succeeded in buying some saltines and a little tonic or 
something like that. 

Web. Tonic ! 

Myles. Where are the others ? 

Love. Coming. Cyrome is almost here. On the level, I 
wouldn't let him in. Karl bought a Limburger cheese and 
gave it to Cy to carry, but we hadn't gone more than three 
steps when I drew the line. I declared I'd never walk the same 
road with that cheese, so I sent Cy on ahead. Then I got 
scared. Honest, I was afraid he would be overcome, so I came 
up across lots to make sure, but he's all right. He's coming 
up the road. 

Web. You bet he is. 

Myles. Believe me, my son, it will take something besides 
a cheese to squelch Cyrome. 

Love. Yes, isn't he the limit? Say, Myles, you know 
Whitcomb's general store and post-office? 

Myles. Well, rather ! 

Love. You know it has the dandiest slanting roof? Comes 
down like this ? 

Myles. Yes. 

Love. Well, I boosted Ben and Cy up there from the side, 
and made them slide off, 

Web. What ? 



A REGULAR SCREAM 5 

Myles. Off that roof? 

Love. Sure. Ben was scared stiff and landed all in a heap, 
but Cy came down like a chute the chutes, laughed fit to die, 
and said he had discovered something new in the way of a sen- 
sation. 

Myles. That may be funny, Love, but it's going altogether 
too far. You bet you wouldn't have tried that if I had beeir. 
with you. It was up and down dangerous. 

Love. Oh, no, it wasn't. It was up and down all right, 
but it wasn't dangerous. I was right there to catch them. 

Web. Catch nothing ! Where was Karl ? 

Love. In the store. He came out, and seeing me gazing at 
the roof, was naturally curious. He looked up just as Cy 
started, and honest, he threw a fit. Old man Whitcomb came 
out just as he came over the edge, and he threw seven. I never 
had so much fun in my life. 

Myles. You're a hopeless case, liOve. 

Web. You have about as much feeling and mercy as Simon 
Legree. 

Love. Well, I didn't notice any one showing me any mercy 
a year ago. I'll never rest until I have made Cyrome as abject 
as I was. 

Myles. Then, you are destined to be tired for the jest of 
your life. You won't succeed. Cy is a wonder. 

Web. He certainly is all wool and a yard wide. Did you 
ever see a fellow take an initiation the way he does ? 

Myles. Never ! You can't phase him, and you can't make 
him mad. 

Love. Confound him ! He acts as if we were doing it for 
his amusement instead of our own. Mark my words, before I 
get through I'll think up something startlingly original. 

Enter Prince Cyril, l., carrying a package, 

Myles ) /. ^ ./l n f Help ! 
Web. } itogcther-). | Murder ! 

Love. What did I tell you ? Ain't it awful ? 

Myles. Cyrome, how dare you bring that into my presence ? 

Cyril. What shall I do with it ? 

Web. Heave it out the window ! 

Cyril. Well, you see it belongs to Karl, and 

All. To whom ? 

Cyril. Oh — er — {laughing) Mr. Romaine. 

Web. Young man, do you realize that you are laughing ? 



6 A REGULAR SCREAM 

{Walks toward him. ^ Such levity is Holy smoke! Get 

away ! 

Myles. We can't throw Karl's property away. Hang it 
out the window, and if Karl wants to eat it he will have to do 
it in the garden. 

(Cyril ope7is wifidow and puts the cheese outside.^ 

Love. Don't be in a hurry about closing that window ! 

Myles. Is that all that was purchased in the way of eatables ? 

Cyril. Oh, no, Karl — I mean Mr. Romaine — bought some 
little red fish, and Ben knew a woman over on the other road 
where he thought he could buy some — some — home-made ba- 
kery, he called it, so they went over to find out, and here they 
are now. {Closes 'wi7idow — slight pause.) 

Efiter Carlos Romaine and Benjamin Franklin Winslow, 
L. Ben. carries several small packages, and Car. a pie. 
All rush toward Car. 

All. Hurrah ! You got something ! A pie ! 

Car. Look out ! Get away ! I will have you understand 
that this is my pie ! 

Myles. Stingy ! 

Love. Don't we get none at all? 

Web. Ah, who wants any ? 

Car. Say, that woman over on the next road is certainly a 
find. She is going to cook all of our meals, and send her son 
over with them. So if we can live through to-night we are 
saved. 

Myles. It's more than good of you to look out for the 
food. I was a hot one to invite you down here without pro- 
viding a way for you to live when you got here. 

Web. Oh, go slow, Myles. I guess after you have opened 
your bungalow to us, that it won't hurt us to do our part. 
{Glances at books and papers on table.) We realize that you 
have troubles of your own. 

Myles. Well, I'm not going to think of them again to- 
night. Come on ! Let's eat and be merry ! 

{They clear the books a7id papers from table. Open the 
packages of crackers and herring. Cyril, unseen by the 
others^ touches Car. on the arm and draws him one side. 
Exit Web., l.) 



A REGULAR SCREAM 7 

Cyril. Karl, Ben was hurt when he slid off the roof. At- 
tend him. 

Car. Where is he hurt ? 

Cyril. Wrist sprained. 

Car. All right. I will take care of him as soon as I can. 

(Car. looks the table over. Exity L.) 

Enter Web., l., with some dishes. 

Web. It's no use, Myles, some one will have to wash some 
dishes. There aren't many clean ones left. 

Myles. I shouldn't imagine there would be. Ben, you and 
Cyrome are appointed a committee of two to wash the 
dishes up. o i j 

Web. Saltines, and salt herring ! Good-night I Somebody 
bring some water. 

Enter Car., l., with a pitcher. 

Car. Here's some ! 

Myles. For heaven's sake, be careful of that pitcher. It 
came over in the Mayflower. My Aunt Caroline's hair would 
stand on end if she could see it gracing this festive board. To 
my certain knowledge, it has never been used. 

Love. Gosh, Karl, did you dust it out ? 

Car. Cyrome, where is my cheese ? 

Cyril. Out the window. 

Car. {starting for window). Out the window ? 

Web. {holding him back). Here, that will do. 

Love, (pushing Car. into a chair). Sit right down ! 

Myles. You can go out on the door-steps and eat all the 
Limburger you want, but you can't do it in here. There's a 
limit to all things. 

(Myles, Web., Love, and Car. sit down at table. Ben. 
and Cyril stand in background. Ben. keeps his left hand 
in his pocket and appears pretty thoroughly used up, 
Cyril talks to him and tries to encourage him.) 

Car. Did you ever eat any Limburger? 

Myles. No ; I never could get near enough. Oh, say, did 
you think to inquire for mail ? 

Car. Yes. There were some postals. Where did 1 put 
them ? 

Myles. No letters ? 



5 A REGULAR SCREAM 

Car. No. 

Myles. It's funny that I don't hear from my father. I 
don't know as I told you fellows, but my father is to return to 
America soon. I haven't seen him for eight years, and to tell 
the truth, I dread the meeting. He is such a brilliant man, 
and I don't inherit any of the brilliancy. Ben, if any message 
comes from my father when I am out, I wish you would read 
it, and if I am to meet him, pack up my things and bring them 
to me no matter where I am. 

Car. {throwing some postals upon table). Here you go ! 
Myles Standish Winslow, and Benjamin Franklin Winslow., 

Web. {looking at cards'). "Many happy returns of the 
day," both of them 1 

Car. (Jo Myles). Own up 1 When is it ? To-morrow ? 

Myles. Yes. 

Car. Your birthdays are the same ? 

Myles. Yes. Ben was born exactly one year from the day 
that I was. Here, Ben ! {Hands a card to Ben.) The 
cards are from Aunt Caroline, the dear lady who named us. 
She called him Benjamin, hoping he would invent something. 
Alas ! The poor lady was terribly discouraged the last time I 
talked with her. She said he had never invented anything but 
mischief, and he was so successful at that she was afraid he 
would end his days in a house of correction. 

Love. Benjamin, there's another side to that story. What 
did she say about Myles? 

Ben. Oh, she intended Myles for an army officer, and hoped 
he would be a brave and mighty fighter like his illustrious an- 
cestor. But she said she made a terrible mistake, for he was 
never going to be large enough to fight a good sized mosquito. 

Myles. I may not be as brave as my illustrious ancestor, 
but I'll tell you one thing, if I ever fall in love I'll be brave 
enough to do my own courting. 

All. Hurrah ! That's right ! Good boy ! 

Web. You are going to stand right up to Dorothy when 
you get around to it, aren't you ? 

Myles. Oh, forget it ! 

Car. Any one want a piece of my pie ? 

Web. ") r You bet! 

Love. V {together). \ Right here ! 

Myles ) ( Don't leave me out ! 

{They all stand around Car., and fight for a piece.) 



A REGULAR SCREAM 9 

Car. Heavens, I never saw such an ill-mannered pack of 
animals in my life. Ben, come here ! You can't use your left 
hand. What is the matter? 

Ben. {jirawing away from him). Nothing ! 

Car. Yes, there is ! I thought so. Sit down here. You 
were hurt sliding oif that roof. [Exit, l. 

Love. (leaving his place at the table and going to Ben.). 
Were you ? Answer ! 

Ben. It isn't anything. 

Love. Yes, it is ! 1 made you do it, and I'm sorry, kid. 
We're not brutes even if we act like them. 

Ben. I'm all right. I don't care ! 

Love. Here ! {Hands Ben. some pie.) Cyrome, you, 
too ! It's time you fellows had a rest. 

(Cyril sits down by Ben.) 

Enter Car., with some lifien. 

Car, Put your hand out here, Ben. 

Ben. I don't need that. (Car. takes his hand.) Ow ! 

Car. You do need it ! 

(Puts bandage on Ben.'s wrist while Qh^w. feeds Ben. with 
piey neither of which is agreeable to Ben. ) 

Love. You're the handiest fellow I ever saw, Karl. 

Web. Tune up, Myles, and keep the kid from weeping. 

Ben. Look out, Cy ! I don't want that pie in my eye ! 

Myles. Don't get mad, Ben. We want your voice in the 
chorus. {Sings. All join in chorus. Song used — ^^ Whistle 
It.^^ Myles looks about.) Say, have any of you seen my 
watch ? I thought — oh, never mind. Here it is ! 

Web. What are you worrying so much about the time for ? 
We don't have to go to bed yet, do we ? 

Myles. You can stay up all night as far as I'm concerned. 
This is open house to all G. R. E.'s. {Pronounced as one 
word.) I am going to the train. 

Web. What for? 

Love. Who's coming ? 

Myles. I suppose you will want to kill me when I tell you. 

Web. Well, don't keep us in suspense, for pity's sake ! 

Love. Fire away ! Who is it ? 

Myles. Austin Beaufort. 



10 A REGULAR SCREAM 



Car. •) ( What? 

Web. >- {together^. } You aren't serious ? 

Love. ) (^ For the love of- 



Myles. Fellows, I wish you wouldn't look that way. 

Love. Well, what do you expect ? 

Web. You didn't exactly think that we would be tickled to 
death, did you ? 

Myles. No, I didn't think that, I was afraid that you 
would take it just as you have, but I hoped that you wouldn't. 

Web. Well, good heavens, Myles, Austin Beaufort isn't fit 
to 

Myles. That's right. He's down. Give him another 
kick! 

Web. That isn't fair, Myles. You know I'd be the last to 
hit a fellow when he is down. 

Myles. Yes, I know it, Web. I beg your pardon. I 
shouldn't have spoken that way, but, fellows, I wish you would 
give Austin another chance. 

Love. A chance ? As near as I can remember we have 
given him about a dozen. I really think that the G. R, E.'s 
have held him up about as long as should be expected. And 
that last choice little performance of his ! Well, I'm no angel, 
but there really is a limit. 

Web. Yes, you are right, Love, as far as that goes, but still 
this is Myles* house, or just the same thing. Myles is our host, 
and if he chooses to invite Austin down here, that is his business, 
and the least we can do is to make things as agreeable as possi- 
ble all round. 

Love. Oh, certainly. 

Myles. Say, this isn't any Christian martyr act. Gee, I 
hate to be a duffer and spoil a jolly party, but, fellows, doesn't 
it mean anything to be a G. R. E. ? We are all G. R. E.'s 
here, or almost, and Austin is one of us. Isn't he worth sav- 
ing? Don't you remember the vow that binds us together ? 
We've lost our hold on Austin some way, and I thought if we 

had him down here with just us for a while that — that 

Karl, help me out ! You haven't said one word. What do 
you think? 

Car. Why, perhaps I had better not express any of my 
ideas. You see, while I'm a G. R. E., and wifch you heart and 
soul, yet I am really an outsider, and 

Myles. Not much ! 

Love. Go ahead. We're listening ! 



A REGULAR SCREAM II 

Web. Tell us what you thiwk. 

Car. Well, then, I wish you would give Austin Beaufort 
another chance — a great big American chance. The greatest 
lesson your country has taught to me is that of equality and the 
generous consideration which gives a man more than one op- 
portunity to make good. Fellows, in the country from which 
I come — and don't think that I speak against my country. I 
love mine as you love yours — in my country, every man is born 
to a certain position. It doesn't make any difference whether 
he is fitted or not, and when it happens that he is not fitted, he 
never gets any consideration and never a second chance. Over 
here it is so different. You do so much to help each other. 
If a man fails, it seems as if there was always some one to put 
him on his feet and encourage him to start again. You are the 
most wonderful people. You are willing to lift a man out of 
the gutter. You are willing to welcome any kind of a foreigner ; 
to educate him ; to make him into the right kind of a citizen. 
Why, then, wouldn't you make the effort fifty times over to 
save a fellow like Austin Beaufort, one of your own people? A 
fellow without mother or father, and as near as I can learn, not 
a soul on the face of the earth who cares anything about him. 
I'm sorry to say that I couldn't expect it of the young men of 
my own country, but I do expect it of the young men of this coun- 
try. For the rest of my life — and remember this comes from 
an outsider, not one of your own — the word American is going 
to stand for brother, 

Web. {to Myles). My friend, put on your hat and hurry 
down to the station. I can't wait to tell Austin that I am an 
American. 

Love. Yes, meet your friend, and let your soul rest in 
peace. We will get a strangle hold on Austin this time. 

Myles. Good for you ! If I hadn't known that you fellows 
were the best on earth I wouldn't have asked Austin down 
here. \^Exit^ l. 

Web. Cyrome, come here ! I feel the need of amusement. 
Something particularly snappy. My wings have come through. 
Tell me how many inches. 

Cyril. Could you lend me a magnifying glass ? 

Web. See here, my friend, you are altogether too smart for 
your years and size. 

Love. What we need here is a court jester to keep our 
spirits up. {To Cyril.) Come, now ! Amuse us! If you 
haven't started something by the time I count ten {taking 



12 A REGULAR SCREAM 

pitcher from table) you will get the contents of this pitcher. 
Hold him, Web, so that he can't dodge. (Web. throws ofie 
arm around Cyril. Car. steps forward and watches them 
afixiously.') One — two — three — four — five — six — seven — eight 
— nine 

Cyril. Why is Mr. Loveland like the Red Sox ? 

Web. Give it up. 

Love. Why? 

Cyril. He is threatening me with a famous pitcher. 

Web ) 

lovE \(f^S^^^^^^^' Oh (^r^««/;2:^), squelch him ! 

Car. {stepping in frofit of Cyril). No, that isn't fair ! 
(Love. a?id Web. resent his ijiterference, hut quickly get over it 
as he speaks.) Go on and let him amuse you. 

Love. Sure, the court jester always sings. 

Web. {handing Cyril a dunce cap made from a newspaper'). 
Go on ! Play the fool ! 

Cyril {putting the cap on one side of his head — sitting on 
the table). 'Til put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't. 
Ah, I would 'twere the first time. I am not small enough to 
become the function, nor have I the voice to " 

Web. Quit talking like a Henry James novel ! 

Cyril. Alas ! He knows not the difference 'twixt Henry 
James and Willie Shakespeare. 

{Sings f and all join in chorus. Song used — " Gee, AinU I 
Glad Fm Single.^^ An auto horn is heard outside.) 

Web. Listen, fellows ! {Horn is heard again.) 
Car. An auto ! 

Richard Mason {outside). Oh, you fellows, open unto 
me ! For my initials are {pounding on the door) G. R. E. 
Love. Dickie Mason ! 
Car. Sure as you live ! 

(Car., Love. andW-EB. exeunt h., and pull Mason in.) 

Web. Well, if this isn't great ! Where did you come from ? 

Love. You are a sight for sore eyes ! 

Car. Tell us about it ! How did it happen ? 

Mason. Well, perhaps I'm not glad to be here ! You see, 
it's this way. When I reached home, I found a Scarlet Fever 
•'ign on the door. Little sister ! Mother talked to me out of 
he window, and told me to go over to Uncle Frank's and spend 



A REGULAR SCREAM 



13 



my vacation. I told h&r nix on Uncle Frank. That I knew 
where there was the happiest family on earth, and that I was 
going to accept an invitation to a house party on Cape Cod. 
By the way, where is Myles Stand ish ? 

Love. Gone to the train to meet Austin Beaufort. 

Mason (^pretending io faint). Did I hear aright? 

Web. You did 1 

Mason. Then, there's another exception. Austin never 
descended from the Puritans. 

Web. Don't joke ! We've had a patriotic lecture from Karl, 
and a sermon from Myles, and we receive Austin with open 
arms. 

Love. Get the idea ? 

Mason. Sure I Mighty little I care. If Myles wants him 
that's enough for me. Here you two (to Cyril and Ben.), 
come forward and greet your superior. That's no way. Get 
down on your knees, and 

Car. Oh, quit, Dickie I We are beyond such foolishness. 
We are trying to think up something original. 

Mason. Well, give me something to eat first. I'm too 
hungry to be original. I never was so nearly starved in my 
life. 

Love. Oh — er — certainly ! Myles is your host, but I feel 
quite sure that he would bid you welcome. We had just fin- 
ished supper. 

Mason {sitting down at table). Finished is good. Did you 
leave anything from dinner ? 

Web. Did we, Cyrome? 

Cyril. Yes ; one pickle. 

Mason. What are you doing? Starving? 

All. Do we look it ? 

Web. We came down here for an ocean view and fresh air, 
and our stomachs don't worry us. 

Mason. Well, mine worries me. I had an ocean view and 
fresh air all the way down, and it didn't fill me up, not so you'd 
notice it. 

Love. Nothing ever fills you. We shouldn't even think of 
trying. 

Mason. And, then, to be insulted with herring and saltines. 

Car. There's a piece of pie. 

Mason. Do you call that a piece ? I thought it was a pure 
food sample. 

Car. And, oh, yes, there's a cheese ! 



14 A REGULAR SCREAM 

{Starts for window.) 

Mason. You will have me lying before you as limp as 

Oh, here's Myles' letter. I went out to Cambridge before I 
came down here, and I found this on the mantel in Myles* 
room. It has a foreign postmark. His father, I guess. 

Web. {looking at letter). That's right. Here, Ben, I guess 
it's up to you. 

(Hands the letter to Ben., who opens and reads it.) 

Love. For heaven's sake, Dickie, haven't you any sense at 
all? The idea of bringing a fellow a letter from his father 
when he is away on a vacation and trying to have a good time. 

Ben. {slidifig out of his chair on to the floor). Fellows / 

All {starting for him). What ? 

Ben. Oh, you will have to forget what you are for a while. 
I mean forget what I mean. I mean I am. I am I mean. 
No, I mean am. I am mean. Oh ! 

Love. Come out of it. What's the matter with you? 

Ben. Uncle John is coming ! 

Web. Well, we know it. Didn't Myles tell us that 

Ben. Yes, but Uncle John is coming here. 

Web. When? 

Ben. To-night ! 

All. What? 

Ben. Listen ! This was written over a week ago. {Reads.) 
**I expect to arrive in New York on Wednesday, April i6th. 
On Thursday I will go down to the bungalow by way of 
Buzzard's Bay. Will you open the bungalow and meet me 
there ? I will be with you Thursday evening and we will spend 
our vacation together. You can help me with some work that 
I am doing and I can get acquainted with my son." Touch- 
ing, isn't it? 

Mason. That doesn't begin to express it. I wonder if 
Uncle John is fond of herring ? 

Car. We ought to get out, but where 

Love. Or how ? 

Web. There's no train to-night and no hotels open. 

Ben. Oh, say, that New York train is earlier than the 
Boston. Uncle John will have to drive over from Buzzard's 
Bay and he is likely to be here any minute and this house looks 



A REGULAR SCREAM 1 5 

as if a cyclone had struck it, and Uncle John is — is — well, I 
haven't words adequate to express what he is. 

All. Corae on ! Get busy ! What will I do with this ? 
Clear the table! We ought to sweep. Where's the broom ? 
There's dust on everything ! 

(^Fellows begin to clean up the room.) 

Web. The up-stairs rooms are 

Love. Worse than this ! 

(Ben. takes the dishes from the table and exits y L.) 

Mason. For the love of Can't I finish my supper? 

Love, {going up the stairs). No, there isn't time ! 
Web. You've been sitting there long enough to make dents 
in a Parker House menu. Come and help us ! 

(Mason puts a handful of herring in his pocket and exits by 
stairs with Web.) 

Car. {to Cyril, who is picking up the books and papers). 
Cyril, for heaven's sake, if you have any consideration for my 
nervous system, sit down ! 

Cyril. Couldn't think of such a thing. There's too much 
to do. Come on ! Get busy ! 

Car. Cyril, won't you stop ? Won't you let me tell the 
fellows ? This thing is an outrage and has gone altogether too 
far. Heaven, if your father knew ! 

Cyril. Yes, he would no doubt censure you very severely ! 

Car. Censure isn't the word and I'm inclined to think you 
would answer for your own folly. I have seen the time when 
your position in life didn't save you. 

Cyril. So have I and I'm mighty glad of it. I can respect 
my father even if he is a prince of the realm. 

Car. Cyril, be serious, please. If you could only realize 
what this means to me. Don't you know that I am answerable 
to your father, to my country for your safety ? Can you im- 
agine what my feeling was when I saw the future ruler of 
Verengetz sliding off Whitcomb's roof? 

Cyril. I can guess at it. You looked painfully surprised. 
I wouldn't have missed it. Come, Carlos, you are taking 
things too seriously. I am having the time of my life. It's 
now or never, you know. I have shaken off the fetters of 
royalty for once. Why do you begrudge me my one good 
time ? 



1 6 A REGULAR SCREAM 

Car. I don*t, on my honor, Cyril, but you are different 
from other fellows and 

Cyril. I'm not ! That's just the trouble. True, I was 
born to a certain position and some day I'm going to fill that 
position one hundred per cent, better than if I had remamed 
on a pedestal all my life. Last fall for the first time, I started 
equal with other fellows. Perhaps I am proud of my 
records, records that 1 have really earned, and just between 
you and me my father is proud of them, too. Time and again 
1 have studied until three in the morning just to prove that I 
can do something worth while. And when I was elected to 
the G. R. E.'s ! Don't you know what that means to me? 
Not because I am the crown prince of Verengetz, but just be- 
cause I am Cyril Romaine and the fellows want 7ne. And you 
ask me to give in now ! What can you be thinking of? 

Car. I'hinking of your own good. Thmking of your 
safety. Thinking of who you really are. I realize what the 
friendship of these fellows means to you. The G. R. E.'s are 
among the best that ever lived and I know that it is only by 
chance that you stand with them as you do to-day. But, Cyril, 
if you think these fellows are the only ones who care for you 
for what you really are, you are mistaken. You claim that the 
people of Verengetz bow down to Prince Cyril. I say that 
the people of Verengetz love Cyril Romaine, and — {stopping 
suddenly) pardon me — I have no right to speak. 

Cyril {quickly). Go on ! 

Car. {stiffly). I must beg to be excused. 

Cyril {haughtily). I requested you to go on. 

Car. {for a second he resents Cyril's attitude toward him). 
I was about to say that it never seemed right to me that you 
should deceive your people as to where you are. I realize my 
presumption. Your father was agreeable. It is enough. 

Cyril. Yes, agreeable after I coaxed and wheedled him 
into letting me come over here with you. You really are to 
blame for the fact that 1 entered Harvard. You shouldn't have 
come home last summer and told me what a wonderful place it 
was. Seriously, Karl, you are right in regard to my people. 
I have thought of it many times since I came to this country. 
They shall not be deceived after this year. 

Car. Then let me tell the fellows now. 

Cyril. Never ! What kind of a bomb would it be to ex- 
plode in their innocent midst, to announce the crown prince of 
Verengetz. 



Car. 

Mason [- (together). 
Love. 



A REGULAR SCREAM I7 

Car. But your life is actually in diuiger and I can't save 
you from everything. Ben has been hurt three times and 
heaven only knows what they will take it into their heads to do 
next. 

Cyril. Karl, you mean all right but sometimes you make 
me very tired. You are worse than a hen with one chick. 
Why don't you label me — '' handle with care " ? 

Ben. {rushing in, L.). Fellows ! Fellows ! Quick ! Fur 
the love of Myles, come here ! 

(Mason, Love, and Web. come down the stairs.) 

What has happened ? 
What's the trouble? 
For goodness* sake, are you being 
killed, Ben ? 

Ben. I've thought of something awful ! 

Web. Do you mean to say that you have called us in here 
to listen to memory gems ? 

Love. It's time you were squelched ! (Grabs him by the 
neck.) You are getting altogether too fresh. 

Ben. Oh, don't ! Just listen. You mustn't let Myles' 
father know that we are G. R. E.'s or that you are initiating 
us. He would take Myles out of college. 

Mason. Ben, that's a very clever way to save your neck but 
it's a trifle too thin. We cut all of our teeth some time ago. 

Ben. It isn't that. Honest ! Uncle John is queer about 
some things and he doesn't believe in college societies. No- 
body knows what his prejudice is, but he is really violent about 
the subject. You know Myles has an older brother, Ralph ? 

All. Yes. 

Ben. You probably know that he entered Harvard and 
only stayed a year. Uncle John made him leave because he 
joined a fraternity. 

All (/;/ astonishment). What? 

Ben. Yes, and he and Ralph have been strangers ever 
since. My father was abroad last summer, and he said that 
Uncle John was looking forward to coming home and his whole 
life is centred now in Myles, so you see, if— if 

Mason. What a beautiful situation ! 

Web. I don't see that it's so very awful. We are all Myles' 
classmates but Ben and Cy. Ben is easily accounted for as one 
of the family and Cy can— can 

Love. Be our valet and man of general utility. 



1 8 A REGULAR SCREAM 

M-. } (,,^,,,,). {Surely 

Love. 1 knew I could think up something choice. 

Car. I protest. 

Web. See here, Karl, it seems to me that you are mighty 
fussy about your little cousin. You ought to expect him to 
take what others get. 

Mason. We will have to give him another name. Call 
him 

Love. Silas ! Silas Brown ! And then we won't make any 
mistakes. We can call him Cy just the same. 

Web. And you needn't think, Benjamin, that this lets you 
out. We will finish you when we get back to Cambridge. 

Car. {from window). There's a carriage driving up here. 

Ben. Uncle John ! 

Web. Go to the door, Ben. {Exit Ben., l.) And, Cy, 
you get out. [Exit Cyril, r. 

{All stand looking toward l. e. ) 

Mason. *' Like statues we stood rooted there 
And gazed a little space." 

Love. Quit ! 

Mason. ** Beyond the door we saw 

The old familiar face ! '* 

Web. {under his breath). Shut up ! 

Mason. You fellows look exactly like Mrs. Jarley's wax 
works. Every one ought not to be standing up. 

Car. No, of course not. {All sit down.) 

Mason. You don't want to all sit down either. 

Web. No, of course not ! {All stand up.) 

Mason. Oh, gee ! Two stand up and two sit down. 
Now ! 

(Car., Web., and Love, stand up and sit dozvn several 
times while Mason doubles tip with silent laughter. Tluy 
finally sit down and look at Mason in disgust.) 

Love. Dickie, I'll break your neck the first chance I get. 

John Winslow {outside). So Myles has gone to the train 
to meet a friend ? 

Ben. Yes, sir. {Enters^ l., carrying a suit-case, followed 
by Wins.) Fellows, this in Myles* father. Uncle John, these 
are Myles' classmates — Webber, Loveland, Mason and Ro- 
maine. 



A REGULAR SCREAM I^ 

{They acknowledge the introductions.) 

Web. I'm afraid, Mr. Winslovv, that you didn't expect to 
find such a large party in your bungalow. 

Wins. That's all right. I am delighted to meet you all. 
I'm glad that Myles is bright enough to make use of the bunga- 
low. That's what we built it for, and it couldn't be put to a 
better use, I am sure. 

Car. That is very kind of you, Mr. Winslow. We should 
have vacated when your letter came if there had been any place 
to vacate to, but we will take the first train to Boston to-morrow, 
I promise you. 

Wins. Not a bit of it. You will stay right here, and we 
will have the finest kind of a vacation. You know I belong to 
'86 and it will be like going back thirty years to be with you 
boys. I will just go up to my room, or perhaps some one is 
occupying it? 

Ben. No, they are not. 

Wins. Well, I will just go up for a few minutes, and then, 
Benjamin, I shouldn't mind having a little something to eat if 
it is agreeable to you. Oh, by the way, is Silas Brown here? 

Ben. {in astonishment ). W-w-who ? 

Wins. Silas Brown. 

Ben. Y-y-y-yes, sir, he's here I 

Wins. Call him, please ! 

Ben. C-c-call Silas ? 

Wins. Why, yes. 

Ben. {going to r. e.). Silas ! 

Enter Cyril, r. 

Wins, {to Cyril). You are Silas Brown? 

Cyril. Yes, sir. 

Wins. Bring my suit- case to my room. 

{Exit by stairs. Cyvhl follows carrying his suit-case. All 
stand looking after them in astonishmefit. ) 

Mason. For the love of 

Web. Who the deuce ? 

Car. This thing has got to stop ! 

Enter Myles and Austin Beaufort, l. 

Myles {to Beau.). Surprise party, old man. Party of 
G. R. E.'s. 



3tO A REGULAR SCREAM 

All {fecoverin^ from their exciteinetit enough to greet 
Beau.). Hello, Beaut ! Glad to see you ! How are you, old 
man ? 

Beau. Why, hello, fellows ! 

Car. Myles, who is Silas Brown ? 

Myles. Silas Brown ? I don't know. Why ? 

You see, it's this way^ 



Web. 
Love. 
Mason . 
Ben. J 



\ {all together). 



Your father expects him 

Cyril is Silas ■ 



Uncle John has come 

Myles. Fellows, one at a time ! Karl, you look rational. 
What are they telling? 

Car. Your father is here, Myles. 

Myles. Here ? In this house ? 

Love. Yes; he's up-stairs. You see, Dickie brought a 
letter. 

Myles. Great Scott, Mason, I didn't notice you. I am 
glad to see you. {Shakes hands with him.) 

Ben. I happened to think that the G. R. E.'s wouldn't fit 
in with Uncle John's ideas, so I told the fellows about Ralph, 
and 

Love. I'm to blame. I suggested that we pass Cyril off as 
Silas Brown, our valet. 

Car. And about the first thing your father did was to ask 
for Silas Brown. 

Web. And Ben didn't have any more sense than to say that 
he was here. 

Ben. Well, that's what you said, that Cy would be Silas, 
and I was so surprised that I told the truth. I mean I didn't 
tell the truth, I only thought I did. No, I didn't think so, 
either. I mean — oh, gee, I don't know what I mean ! 

Car. Wouldn't it be best to tell your father the truth, 
Myles ? 

Myles {lookifig somewhat dazed). I — I — don't know. 
Don't say anything until you have to. I realize that you meant 
to help me, and I'm not going to place you in a bad light if I 
can help it. My father is odd about some things. I'm afraid 
he wouldn't regard it as a joke. Of course I don't want to 
have trouble with him first thing — but cheer up ! I'll go up 
and see him, and find out what he is doing with Cyril. 

[^Exit, by stairs. 

Enter Silas Brown, l. 



A REGULAR SCREAM 21 

Mason. Well, look who's here ! 

Web. Who is it ? 

Love. Why, where did you come from ? 

Brown. 'Scuse me, gen'lemen. I knocked, but I didn' git 
no anser. I'se lookin' fo' Mr. Winslow, sah. 

All. Which one ? 

Brown. I don' know. 

Mason. Well, you are a hot one ! 

Web. Who are you ? 

Brown. Mah name's Silas Brown, an* 

All. What? 

Love. Oh, agony ! 

Mason. Some one please take me out somewhere and chlo- 
roform me. 

Car. We might as well quit right now. 

Web. (Jo Brown). Why do you want to see Mr. Winslow ? 

Brown. I'se got a job ter work fo' him. I'se gwine ter be 
his valley. 

Love. More likely to be our mountain. 

Ben. Mr. Winslow is my uncle, and he's occupied just now. 
In fact he is terribly busy, so we can't tell him for a little while 
that you are here. 

Brown. All right. I don' care ef ye'll jes' give me some- 
thin' ter eat. It wuz a terrible long trip down here, an' mah 
stomach's powerful hollow. 

Mason. Gee, you have my sympathy. Have a fish ! 

(Takes a herring from his pocket and hands it to Brown.) 

Brown. Well, I 'clares ter goodness ! Don' I git nothin* 
but this ? 

Ben. Yes, of course you do. 

(Brown sits down at l. and eats the fish. Fellows gather 
in a group at ^.') 

Mason. Oh, what's the use in fooling the kid ? What are 
you going to give him? 

Ben. The pickle that was left from dinner. 

Love. Sure ! Feed it to him in small pieces, and I'll hyp- 
notize him into thinking he is having a banquet at the Touraine. 

Car. Fellows, you can't manage this. Are you crazy? 

Love. Oh, go and stick your feet in the oven, Karl, and 
warm them up. We'll pull out of this some way. 



21 A REGULAR SCREAM 

Mason. Sure ! 

Web. How ? 

Car. That's just what I should like to know. 

Love. If there was a train out of here to-night for any hole 
iii the universe, it would have one little chocolate college ice 
for freight. 

Mason (Jookiiig at Brown). Ain't he cute? 

Ben. Well, there's a train mighty early in the morning, and 
I don't see why we can't keep him out of sight to-night, and 
ship him on that. 

Web. Fellows, you never can do it. The truth will cer- 
tainly have to be told sooner or later. 

Mason. Myles said not to speak until we had to. We'll 
do the best we can. {To Brown.) Come on, Jimmy I We're 
going to have supper. 

Brown. I'se powerful glad ter hear it. 

{Drops a letter from his pocket. Mason exits r., with 
Brown. All follow but Beau. ; he picks up letter.') 

Beau, {reading'). John Winslow. (Lieutenant Boranze 
knocks at door. Beau, listens^ stands a second undecided, then 
exits L. Returns with Bor. ) Come in this way. I will speak 
to Mr. Romaine. {Goes r. e.) Karl I Karl! 

Car. {outside). Yes? 

Beau. Some one to see you. 

Enter Car., r. 

Car. To see me ? Boranze, my dear Boranze ! 

\^Exit Beau., l. 
Bor. Carlos, it is good to see you. 
Car. What in the world brings you to America ? 
Bor. a message to Prince Cyril from his father. 
Car. Hush ! No one here knows who Cyril is. 
Bor. They will have to know. He can no longer remain 
in this country incognito. 

Car. Something has happened ? 
Bor. Yes, of the gravest import. 

Enter Cyril from stairs. Bor. salutes. 

Cyril. Boranze ! What is the trouble ? My mother ? My 
father? 

Bor. {bowing slightly). Are quite well, your highness. 



A REGULAR SCREAM 



23 



Cyril {looking to7vard stairway'). Glory, Boranze, go 
easy ! We are not used to royalty over here. What in time 
are you doing on Cape Cod ? 

BoR. Why, I went to Cambridge, and was directed down 
here. It was necessary that I should see your highness 

Cyril. Hush ! Don't address me that way again. You 
— you — won't understand, but I am holding down a job just 
now that wouldn't fit in with your ideas of what I should be 
doing. It's a joke. In fact, it's more than a joke. It's what 
the Americans call a "regular scream." 

BoR. But your — you — you can't keep up this masquerade 
any longer. Something has happened. I must have your at- 
tention while I explain. 

Cyril. Well, you can't hare it for an hour or so, that's 
certain. And you are not to utter one word as to who I am. 
The fellow I am visiting is in trouble way up to his neck, and 
I'm going to stand by him. Do I make myself plain? 

Car. Cyril, for heaven's sake 

Cyril. Hush ! Myles is coming I Remember ! I com- 
mand you ! Both of you ! 

Enter Myles and Wms., from stairs. 

Car. Myles, this is Lieutenant Boranze of the Royal army 
of Verengetz. He went to Cambridge to see me, and they 
directed him down here. 

Myles. I am glad to see you. This is my father, Lieuten- 
ant Boranze. 

Wins, [shaking hands and regarding Bor. curiously). 
Verengetz, did I understand you to say ? 

Bor. Yes. 

(Cyril stands at one side watching them anxiously.') 

Car. Myles, will you direct us to a place where we c;in be 
accommodated for the night ? 

Myles. Indeed I will not. Your friend is more than wel- 
come here. 

Wins, {to Car.). By all means have your friend stay. 

Car. But 

Myles. Don't say another word, Karl. I insist. 

Bor. You are both exceedingly kind. My mission here is 
urgent or I should not have intruded. 

Wins. Do not speak of it. It is no intrusion at all. 



24 A REGULAR SCREAM 

Car. Come up to my room, Boranze. {To others.) You 
will kindly excuse us. There are several things which we must 
talk over at once. 

(Car. and Bor. exeunt by stairs. Wins, stands watching 
them thoughtfully.') 

Enter Beau. , l. 

Myles. Father, here is another of my friends, Austin Beau- 
fort. 

Wins, {turning quickly). Good heavens ! {Shakes hands 
with Beau.) I beg your pardon. I thought for a minute that 
I was looking at an apparition. Your father and I were class- 
mates in '86. 

Beau. You were? 

Wins. Myles, there is no one in the world whom I could 
be so pleased to find among your friends as this young man. 

Ben. {outside). Myles ! Oh, Myles ! 

Wins. Some one is calling you. 

{Exit Myles, r. Wins., with bowed heady walks toward 
the window and stands loaking out.) 

Beau, {to Cyril). Cyril, the real Silas is in the house. 
He brought this letter for Mr. Winslow. (Ha?ids him letter.) 
Give it to him, and for heaven's sake be careful what you say 
or we will land Myles in a mess he will never pull out of. 

Wins, {turtiing from windoui). Silas, you don't happen to 
understand wireless, do you ? 

Cyril. No, sir. 

Beau. I do, Mr. Winslow. Is there anything I can do for 
you? 

Wins. Yes. There is an apparatus in the room at the top 
of the house. I ought to receive a message about this time. I 
was depending upon Myles to take it for me, but as it happens 
I don't care to have him receive the message just now. 1 wish 
you would take it for me. I can trust you to keep it to your- 
self for a while ? 

Beau. Certainly. Up-stairs you said ? 

Wins. Yes; way up. {Exit Beau., by stairs.) Do you 
suppose, Silas, that I can have something to eat ? 

Cyril. I'll do the best I can, sir, but I am afraid there isn't 
anything in the house to-night but herrings and crackers. 

Wins, {sitting down at table). Any little thing will do. 



A REGULAR SCREAM 25 

Cyril. Here is a letter, sir, which I was directed to hand 
to you. \_Exit, L. 

(Wins, opeits letter.) 

Wins, {f-eading'). " My dear Winslow : The bearer of this 
note is a young colored fellow, Silas Brown." {Looks toward 
door where CY^ih made his exit.) Colored/ {Reads.) **He 
will bring you a message directly from General Lawrence in 
regard to " 

Enter Cyril with crackers and herring. 

Cyril. This is the best I can do. 

Wins. That will do very nicely if you will bring some water. 
Oh — er — Silas, do you happen to know if a message for me has 
been received from General Lawrence ? 

Cyril. I don't know. I will inquire. [^Exitf l. 

Wins, {looking after him). Well! 

{Walks up and down room.) 

Enter BEXV.ffrom stairs. 

Wins. Did you get a message ? 
Beau. Yes; I was just in time. 

Enter Cyril, l., with a pitcher and a glass. 

Wins. What is it ? 

Beau, {handing him a slip of paper). Prince Cyril of 
Verengetz is on Cape Cod. 

(Cyril lets the glass fall with a crash.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The same. The room has been straightened out. 
Table moved from center to one side. 

{As curtain rises Beau, sits at table looking over a newspa- 
per ivhich is spread out on table. Gives more than half 
of his atte?ition to Myles, who is walking up and dowfi 
the room.) 

M YLES {stopping suddenly in front of Beau. ). For heaven's 
sake, Beaut, are the fellows crazy ? 

Beau. Looks that way sometimes. 

Myles. What ever possessed them to pass Cyril off as a 
valet ? Especially to my father ? 

Beau. Well, I should have imagined to help on the ini- 
tiation, but from their conversation I should say that they 
thought they were helping you. 

Myles. I know it ! I should have more patience, I sup- 
pose, but just between you and me it was the most inane thing 
I ever saw a crowd get away with. 

Beau. Does seem that way. Probably they did it without 
much thought as to how it would work out. You don't seem 
over and above grateful for the effort to shield you from paternal 
wrath. Were you especially anxious to have your father know 
about the G. R. E.'s? 

Myles. Well, under the circumstances, not exactly dying 
to reveal the secret, but I hadn't the least idea of deceiving him, 
either. Now I shall have to. The fellows have placed them- 
selves in a false position to save me, and I can't give them 
away. On the other hand, I don't want to go on deceiving my 
father. Glory ! I can't see land in any direction. 

Beau. I don't believe I quite get the point. You have been 
deceiving him for a year, haven't you, without any qualms of 
conscience ? What's the difference now ? 

Myles. Well, not without any qualms. You see, it's tliis 
way. My father forbade Ralph to join a fraternity, but he 
didn't forbid me. He trusted to my honor to respect his wishes, 
and I haven't done it. When the G. R. E.'s wanted me last 
year, I wasn't strong enough to resist the temptation, so I did 
26 



A REGULAR SCREAM 



27 



what I knew my father wouldn't approve of. I forgot that it 
was his money that was paying for my education. If he had 
stayed on the other side I don't know how much longer I 
should have been tempted to let things drift. 

Beau. And you are actually going to tell him about it? 

Myles. As soon as I can without bringing the fellows 
into it. 

Beau. And he will make you leave college ? 

Myles. I think so. 

Beau. Well, have it your own way. It's your funeral, and 
I hope you will find satisfaction in the obsequies. What in 
time is your father's objection to a frat? 

Myles. Heaven only knows ! ( Walks toward the stairs.) 
I suppose I ought to stay with him. Say, Beaut, I wish you 
would stay with the fellows, and if you see any more signs of 
lunacy, kindly warn me. 

Beau. Give me an easier one. I think my room is more 
welcome than my company with them. 

Myles. You are very much mistaken. 

Beau. Myles, why did you invite me down here with these 
fellows? You knew that I wouldn't have come if I had 
dreamed that they were here. 

Myles. That's why I didn't tell you. 

Beau. To be quite frank, I call it a mighty mean trick. I 
shall return to Boston in the morning. I would go to-night if 
there was a train. 

Myles. All right. As you like. I'm sorry. I thought 
you were at least half of a man. I was mistaken. You aren't 
even a quarter of one. 

Beau. Say, I wish you were my size. 

Myles. Oh, don't let that bother you. I'll stand on a chair 
and we will have it out if you like. 

Beau. Myles, you are the limit ! I couldn't get mad with 
you even if I wanted to. But I can't stay ! I simply can't ! 
You know that the fellows haven't the liking and respect for 
me that they would have for a dog. 

Myles. Supposing what you say is true, Austin, whose fault 
is it? 

Beau. Oh, I know what you mean. You think I am to 
blame for everything. Perhaps I am, but I'm hanged if I think 
so. What's the use? What's the use in trying to be a saint 
when there isn't a soul on the face of the earth who cares 
whether I live or die ? 



28 A REGULAR SCREAM 

Myles. What's the use in talking that way? Don't you 
believe that I care ? 

Beau. You ? Oh, yes, of course. 

Myles. And I think you have had pretty good proof that 
Karl cares. You are too selfish and self-centered for existence ! 
I know your life hasn't been a bed of roses, but if you would 
just look around you a little and stop thinking about Austin 
Beaufort, you would find hundreds of fellows worse off than 
you are. What you want to do is to stop being sorry for your- 
self. Eight years ago my mother died. The same year ray 
father and Ralph had trouble. Father chucked me into a Mili- 
tary Academy and took up a position in a foreign country. 
With the exception of a few punctilious letters, he has been a 
stranger to me ever since. Nothing very lively or homelike 
about that, is there? I know how to sympathize with you, but 
I can't get your point of view when you say that we are justified 
in throwing our lives away. Why, when I think of all the 
money you have coming to you, and the good you can do if 
you will, I think you are one of the most enviable fellows in ex- 
istence. Austin, I give you my word of honor that every fellow 
in this house is glad that you are here. Is ready to forget all 
that has happened, and if you will make a new start, will more 
than stand by you. It is in your power to make us proud of 
you if you have the moral courage to face the situation. Think 
it over, and if you haven't the courage, why, take the next train 
back to Boston, and good riddance ! 

(^Exit by stairs. Beau, stands looking after him^ undecided.^ 

Love, {outside). Beaut! Where's Beaut ? Any one know? 

Beau, {hesitating a secondy I'm here, Loveland. Do you 
want me ? 

Love. Yes. Come and help me. Will you ? 

Beau, {still hesitating, then suddenly answering decidedly). 
Yes, I will come. \^Exit, r. 

Enter Brown, -l., followed by Mason. 

Mason. Hey, Brown ! Where're you going ? 
Brown. I tink I bettah find Mr. Winslow, sah. 
Mason. What do you want of him? He's busy. He will 
let you know when he is ready to see you. 

Brown. I wants ter ax him fo' somethin' ter eat. 
Mason, Eat? Why, you've just had supper. 



A REGULAR SCREAM 2() 

Brown. Supper? Well, ef dat ain't reedic'lous ! A fish 
an' one pickle ! 

Mason. Well, you can have another fish. 

{Takes one from his pocket and hands it to Brown.) 

Brown. Fo' de Ian' ! Do yo'-all carry dem with yo' all 
de time ? 

Mason. Yes. I will tell you about it. That's my weak- 
ness. I have to eat them all the time. 

Brown. Yo' have to ? 

Mason. Sure ! I hope I'll be cured after a while. Do 
you know what the trouble is with you? 

Brown. With me? Dey ain't nothin' de matter with me. 

Mason. It isn't possible that they have sent you down here 
without telling you anything at all ! 

Brown. No, sah, dey ain't done tole me nothin' 1 What 
yo'-all mean? 

Mason. Well, by Jove, I call that mean. I'm going to tell 
you. I think you ought to know. Your head isn't right. 

Brown. W-w-what? 

Mason. Your — head — isn't — right ! 

Brown {^feeling of his head). W-w-what's de mattah 
with it ? 

Mason. You are a little bit out. For instance, you think 
you have eaten a pickle and a fish, but you really have eaten a 
whole supper. 

Brown. I — I — I've eatin* a supper? 

Mason. Yes. 

Brown. I — ah — I — I — where is dis I'm at? 

Mason. This is sort of a private sanitarium, and Mr. Wins- 
low is the head doctor. 

Brown {looking around'), I wondah where I put mah hat ! 

Mason. You don't want to go ! You needn't be scared. 
Every one here is harmless. You want to be cured, don't you ? 

Brown. I isn't partic'lar. I'se always managed ter git 
along. 

Mason. Yes, but you can't tell when you might be danger- 
ous. You don't want to get violent and kill any one, do you ? 

Brown. I sho' don't ! 

Mason. Then, you just let Dr. Winslow treat you. But 
one thing, when you are with him, always look up. Never look 
at him. If you do, he will hypnotize you. Remember ! 
Always look up / 



30 A REGULAR SCREAM 

Brown (very much ttpset), Yas, sah ! Do — do yo'-all 
s'pose I could keep away from him to-night? P'r'aps I might 
feel mo' like seein' him in de mornin'. 

Mason. Well, 1*11 do my best to keep him from seeing you. 
We'll speak to the fellows. I'm sure they will help you to keep 
out of his way. 

Brown. Are all dem young gen'lemens sort a-looney, too ? 

Mason. Everyone! 

Brown. Well, I isn't much s' prised at dat. Dey all sho' 
do act like it. 1 hope dey ain't any one 'fected same's I is. 
If dey is, I'se powerful sorry fo' him. 

Mason. Why, you don't feel hungry now, do you? 

Brown. Hungry? Dat ain't no word to 'spress mah 
feelin's. 

Mason. Well, have another fish ! {Hands hmt one.) I 
guess you are safe here for a little while. I'll see if I can find 
something in the kitchen, and we'll have a lunch. \_Exit, L. 

Brown {lookhig after hini). All right, sah ! 1 sho' is 
'greeable. {Efiter Bor., r. Brown turns and sees him.) 
Wow! {Gazes up at ceilhig.) Is yo' Mr. Winslow, sah? 
Is yo' ? 

Bor. {looking at Brown afid then up at ceiling). Mr. 
Winslow ? Why, certainly not ! 

Brown {with a sigh of relief ). Lan' ! I sho' am glad ter 
hear it. 

BoR. I think perhaps you are the very one 1 want to see. 
I just arrived this evening and I don't like to speak of it to any 
one, but I had a very early luncheon, and I really feel the need 
of something to eat. 

Brown {slowly). What time did yo'-all have yo' lunch'on? 

BoR. About quarter of twelve. 

Brown. An' yo'-all ain't hed nothin' since? 

Bor. No. 

Brown. Mah lan' ! Here, yo' can have mah fish. 

{Offers him the herring.) 

Bor. No, indeed, I wouldn't think of taking it from you. 
I just thought you might find some little thing for me. 

Brown {looking at herring). Well, I reckon it would be 
mighty hard ter find anythin' littler'n that. One o' dem loon- 
eys is out in de kitchen tryin' ter pinch somethin'. I don' 
know how 'cessful he'll be. Yo'-all bettah eat mah fish. Yo' 



A REGULAR SCREAM 3 1 

see I'se really hed mah supper. I only links I ain't ! Say, is 
yo'-all gvvine ter stay ? 

BoR. Stay ? Why, yes, over night. 

Brown. Well, I'se decided I ain't. I'se gwine ter excape. 
Dat looney dat's always eatin' fishes, done tole me dat if I 
looked at Mr. Winslow I'd be scand'lized. Well, I ain't gwine 
ter stay in a house where I'se gvvine ter be scand'lized, not fo' 
nobody. I'd rather take mah chances outside. Say, yo'-all 
don' tink I'll ever be likely ter kill nobody, does yo' ? 

BOR. Well, I shouldn't think it very likely, unless they 
laugh themselves to death. I think I will just go out to the 
kitchen and find that young man you spoke of. 

Brown. All right ! Jes' yo* like, but I'se gwine ter light 
out. {^Exit BoR., L. Brown looks about — opens windoiv — 
leans out — smells cheese — turns with a horrified expression on 
his face. Sinks down on divan.) Mussy I 

Web. {outside). Where's Brown ? 

Love. Where's Dickie? 

(Brown crawls under divan.) 

Ben. Come on ! We must find them ! 

E7iter Ben., Love., Web. and Beau., r. 

Beau. They are not here ! 
Love. Where the deuce ? 



Ben. (^glancing toward stairs ; calling softly). Dickie! 
Web. {walkifig toward l. e.). Mason ! Mason ! 

Enter Mason, l., with a box of crackers. 

Mason. What is it ? 

All. Where's Silas Brown ? 

Mason (^putting box of crackers on table). Why, he was 
here a minute ago ! 

All. Well, he isn't here now ! 

Mason. The window ! {Rushes to window.) Good heav- 
ens, fellows, it must be low tide ! Smell the flats ! 

Love. That isn't the flats ! 

Mason. What, in pity's name, is it ? 

All. Karl's cheese ! 

Mason (solenuily). Fellows, Brown never went through 
that window ! 

Love. Don't joke ! Come on, quick ! 



32 A REGULAR SCREAM 

Web. Sure ! He hasn't had time to go far ! 

{All exeunt I.. 'Qrowh crawls half-way out. £ nter BoR.y 
L. Brown crawls back agaifi. Bor. sees the crackers — 
opejis box and begins to eat them ; goes to window.') 

Bor. Heavens ! 

{Closes wi7idow. Hears some one coming — slides the box 
under the divan. Broivn eats the crackers.) 

Enter Car. and Cyril frofn stairs. 

Car. Oh, here you are, Boranze ! At last, I have pre- 
vailed upon Cyril to listen to you. 

Bor. I'm glad to hear it, I'm sure. 

Cyril. Yes, go ahead ! Have it over ! It must be mighty 
unpleasant to bring you way over here ! Good news doesn't 
travel that way. For goodness' sake, sit down ! We're not 
in Verengetz. 

(All sit down.) 

Bor. I wish that we were. 

Cyril. Boranze, you would make a fine advertisement for 
an undertaker. Got a pain anywhere? 

Car. Cyril, it would really be best for you to be serious for 
a few minutes. 

Myles {from stairs). Ben ! Cy ! Cy, you old cheese, 
where are you ? 

Cyril. Here, Myles. What is it? {Walks toward stairs.) 

Myles. Tell Ben to come up here, will you, please ? 

(Cyril starts toward -r. e.) 

Bor. The young men went out. 

Cyril {returning to stairs). The fellows have gone out, 
Myles. 

Myles. All right. 

Bor. Is your highness in the habit of being addressed as 
**an old cheese"? 

Cyril. Oh, come, Boranze ; you have no right to judge by 
appearances. You would have to be right here all of the time 
to understand. 

BoR. I understand quite enough. (To Car.) Do you 
think that Prince Constantin will be satisfied with the way in 
which you have shielded his son ? 



A REGULAR SCREAM 



33 



Car. No, I don't flatter myself that he will. 

Cyril. Now, that will do. Karl isn't to blame for any one 
thing. He has done the best he could, but when I take it into 
my head that I am going to do a thing he might just as well 
offer his advice to Bunker Hill monument. We will get to 
business. You come to me from Prince Constantin ? 

BoR. Yes, sir. 

Cyril. And I understood you that I was to tell my friends 
here who I really am ? 

Bou. Yes, sir. 

Cyril. Why? 

BoR. You are well aware of the animosity between Veren- 
getz and Antrinium. You understand that Antrinium is ever 
ready to take offense at nothing, and you know how disastrous 
for Verengetz a war with Antrinium would prove. Well, Ver- 
engelz is suspected of trying to open commercial negotiations 
with the United States through a Belgium port instead of 
through Antrinium. 

Car. (vei-y 7nuch excited^. And Belgium is ready to wipe 
Antrinium off the map at a moment's notice. 

Cyril. What could have started such an idea? 

BoR. It would be hard to say what started it, but it has 
been greatly strengthened by the fact that your father has 
recently entertained the American consul at Brussels. And, 
then, to finish things. General Zelotes of Antrinium learned 
that you were in this country incognito and that your own 
people thought you were somewhere else. Don't ask me how 
he found it out. He is worse than the man in that English 
detective story. Of course there was nothing left for your 
father to do but announce that you were at Harvard, and that 
there was no secret about it. You would naturally think the 
people of Antrinium would have been satisfied with that, but 
they weren't. General Zelotes didn't put much faith in our 
story, and when the American consul at Brussels suddenly 
returned to this country, he jumped to the conclusion that 
it had something to do with this matter. Your father didn't 
think there was any great hurry about telling you, so instead 
of sending you a cable he decided to send me over. He 
has been anxious about you ever since you came here and 
wanted to hear directly from you. But to-day I have received 
a cable from your father informing me that General Zelotes* 
son is on his way to this country. In fact may be in New York 
now for all I know. 



34 



A REGULAR SCREAM 



Car. And he won't lose much time in getting to Cam- 
bridge. {To Cyril.) You will have to tell who you are at 
once. Don't you see that you will? 

Cyril. Yes, I suppose so. If I don't, some one will do it 
for me. I don't know what Mr. VVinslow's interest in me can 
be, but he received a message to-night that I am on Cape Cod. 
I will go up to Cambridge in the morning. 

BoR. In the morning ? 

Car. Cyril, you must speak to-night ! 

Cyril. Not while I am in this house. 

BoR. Do you mean to say that your country stands second ? 

Cyril. No, I don't mean that. {Goes to telephotie.) I 
wish to be connected with Cambridge 255. Yes. 

Car. I don't believe, Cyril, that you can manage it. Mr. 
Winslow is pretty sure to find out. I'm afraid that Myles is in 
for trouble. 

Cyril. Not from anything that we shall say. I would give 
Myles my left hand if it would help him. He could have the 
right, only that I am saving that for you. 

Car. And on the day you give it to me, I will give my 
whole life to you. 

Cyril (Jurfiing to telephone). Hello ! Yes. Is that you, 
Mr. Otis? This is Cyril Romaine. There hasn't any one 
been inquiring of you for the crown prince of Verengetz, has 
there? No? Well, that's good. I'm going up to Cambridge 
in the morning, but if any one should inquire before then, will 
you please tell them that I am it. Yes, crown prince. No, 
I'm not crazy. Yes, I'm perfectly sober. I'm at Mr. John 
Winslow's bungalow. Yes, Myles' guest. I expect it does 
sound rather strange. I'll explain in the morning. In the 
meantime if you will just say to any who inquire that I am 
down here, you will be doing my country a great favor. All 
right. Thank you. Good-night. {Rises.) Let's go up-stairs. 
1 don't want to see the fellows again to-night. I'll just have a 
word with Myles and leave on the first train in the morning. 
Gee, Karl, it's the end of everything, isn't it? 

Car. I'm sorry, Cyril. I was afraid we couldn't get 
through with it when we started. It's been a mighty uncertain 
business, but it has been the year of my life. 

{Exeunt Cyril and Car., by stairs, followed by Bor. 
Slight pause. Brown crawls cautiously from under divan. 
Enter Wins, from stairs. Bkown ru?is into him.'^ 



A REGULAR SCREAM 



35 



Brown. Wow ! {Looks up.) Is yo' Mr. Winslow, sah ? 
Is yo' ? 

Wins, {looking at Brown in astonishment and then up in 
the direction in which Brown is gazing — then back at Brown). 
Yes, I am Mr. Winslow. 

Brown. Mah Ian' ! Mah Ian* ! I reckon I'll be gwine 
up-stairs. 

Wins. Well, the stairs aren't up there. Who are you? 

Brown. Mah name's Silas Brown. 

Wins. So you are Silas Brown ? 

Brown. Yas, sah. I tink I am. I reckon I'se pretty sho* 
I am. 

Wins, {looking up again'). What are you looking at ? 

Brown. I'se tryin' ter see if dey ain't a hole up dere where 
I can fly up fro. 

Wins. Well, if you are Silas Brown, you have a message for 
me from General Lawrence. 

Brown. Yas, sah, I has ! An* a lettah ! I 'clare ter good- 
ness, I done fo'got all 'bout it. Where did I put dat lettah ? 

{Feels in pockets.) 

Wins. Never mind the letter. What is the message ? 

Brown. He done tole me ter tell yo'-all dat de young 
gen'leman youse lookin' fo' is stale at Harvard College. 

Wins. Is stale at Harvard College? 

Brown. Yas, sah ! N-n-no, sah ! I reckon dat wa'n't it. 
De young gen'leman is— fresh at Harvard College. 

Wins. A freshman at Harvard ? 

Brown. Yas, sah ! Dat's it ! A fresh man I If yo' 
please, Mr. Winslow, sah, I tinks I'll be gwine up-stairs. 

Wins, {walking toward Brown). Now, see here, Silas 
Brown 

Brown {backing away). No, sah ! I won't see there, not 
fo' one half minit. Yo'-all ain't gwine ter par'lyze me, not if 
I knows it first. 

Wins. I never heard such nonsense. Are you crazy ? 

Brown. No, sah ! Only looney. But dose young gen'le- 
mens, who wuz in here jes' lily while ago, is sho' plumb crazy ! 
Two o' dem tried ter make one o' dem say dat he wuz a prince, 
an' he telephoned ter some one in Cambridge dat he wuz one, 
but he 'clared dat he wouldn't say he wuz one ter nobody in 
dis house. I don' blame him. Ain't dat scan'lous? 

Wins. Silas, I suspect that some one has been having some 



36 A REGULAR SCREAM 

fun at your expense. Do you think that this is an insane 
asylum ? 

Bkown. No, sah, dat ain't it. De fish man done tole me 
dat dis wuz a — a — a — insanitary — ger-a-ni-um ! 

Wins. Just as I thought. He was joking, Silas. 

Brown. Jokin' ? An' — an' — an' I ain't looney? 

Wins. Of course not ! 

Brown. An' if I looks at yo', yo' ain't gwine par'lyze me? 

Wins. It isn't likely ! Try it ! 

Brown {starting to look at Wins. ; suddenly looking uf), 
Yo'-all ain't foohn' me? 

Wins. Certainly not ! 

Brown (Jookitig at Wins, and drawing long sigh of relief). 
Mah Ian' ! {Suddenly.) I knew I wuz hungry / 

Wins. Silas, you step into the next room for a while. I 
will speak to you when I need you. {Exit Brown, l. Wins. 
goes to stairs.) Silas ! Silas ! 

Cyril {coming half way down stairs'). Yes, sir? 

Wins. Ask my son to come here and you return with him. 
(Cyril turns back. Slight pause. Cyril and Myles enter 
from stairs.) Myles, who is the young colored fellow who is 
wandering around here ? 

Myles. Colored fellow ? 

Wins. You don't mean to tell me that you didn't know 
there was such a person in the house ? 

Myles. I certainly didn't know it, but I'm not surprised. 
This seems to be the most popular spot on earth. I don't 
wonder that my ancestors landed down here. 

Wins. The colored fellow says that his name is Silas Brown. 
{Telephone rings. To Cyril.) Prince Cyril, will you kindly 
answer the telephone ? 

(Myles looks on in the utmost astonishment. Cyril, look- 
ing somewhat dazed, goes slowly to the telephone.) 

Cyril. Hello ! Yes. Who ? Good heavens ! 

Wins. Some one for me ? 

Cyril. Yes, but I shall have to answer. Listen, Zelotes 1 
Mr. Winslow is here, but you had better talk to me. I am 
Cyril of Verengetz. My friend, you have made a very grave 
mistake. Where are you ? Boston ? Well, I will meet you in 
the morning wherever you suggest. ]f you still think you are 
in the right, call up Cambridge 255, and ask for Prince Cyril 
of Verengetz. {Eiiter Car. and Bor. from stairs.) Where 



A REGULAR SCREAM 



37 



Y;ill you meet me ? All right. Good-bye. (Rises.) Myles, 
forgive me, I had to tell the truth. My country is involved. 
Myles. You are Prince Cyril of Verengetz ? 

(Cyril bows.) 

Wins. (Jo Cyril). Do you realize how much trouble your 
masquerade has caused ? 

Cyril. I am beginning to, and I am heartily sorry, but I 
cannot a, count for your extreme interest in my affairs. 

Wins. You are evidently not aware of the fact that for the 
past eight years I have been the American consul at Brussels. 
I have the honor of your father's friendship. For some time 
General Zelotes has been trying to impress me with the fact that 
your people were not honest in their dealings with me. For 
over a month we have been trying to locate you, and have just 
succeeded to-night. It would be advisable for Prince Constan- 
tin to announce that you are at Harvard. 

BoR. He has already done so. 

Wins. And now, if you please, why did you pose for my 
benefit as Silas Brown ? 

Myles. I will answer that question. The young men who 
are spending their vacation with me are members of a society 
known as the G. R. E. Prince Cyril and Ben were candidates, 
and we were initiating them. 

Car. Mr. Winslow, Myles wasn't in the house when we 
made our plans. He never heard of Silas Brown until we told 
him. I assure you there was no harm intended. 

BOR. Indeed there wasn't. I give you my word, Mr. Wins- 
low, that Prince Cyril told me when I first arrived that it was 
merely an American yell. 

Car. Scream, Boranze, scream ! 

BoR. Well, what's the difference? 

Cyril. Mr. Winslow, we beg clemency for Myles. 

Wins. Pardon me, I will settle this with my son. 

\^Exeiint Car., Cyril ^;///Bor., by stairs. 

Myles. Father, please don't misjudge the fellows ! What 
they have done was for my sake, and without a thought of any 
one else but just me. 

Wins, {coldly). So you are a member of a fraternity, are 
you? 

Myles. Yes. 

Wins. You fully understood my aversion to fraternities 
when you entered Harvard, did you not ? 



38 A REGULAR SCREAM 

Myles. Yes. 

Wins. I am having our Washington house opened. {E?iter 
Beau., l., unsee?t by Wins, and Myles.) You will go up to 
Cambridge to-morrow, pack up your things, and send them on 
to Washington. I will meet you there Saturday. 

Myles. Very well. Out of respect for the fact that you 
are my father, I will do as you ask for two years longer, but on 
the day that I am twenty-one I shall return to Cambridge, and 
you will find that I am fully capable of getting through Har- 
vard without any assistance from you. 

Beau. And if you aren't, you can have all the assistance 
you need from me if it takes every cent I have. Mr. Winslow, 
there's something I want to say to you. 

Myles. Austin ! 

Beau. You keep out of this, Myles. I'm talking ! Mr. 
Winslow, my father is dead, and I always thought I had missed 
something from my life for which there was no recompense. 
But I'd rather have my father dead than living and like you. 

Myles. Austin, I insist 

Wins. Pray let the young man proceed. It is most inter- 
esting. 

Beau. I thought you would find it so. It's you that I'm 
talking about, and you are not interested in anything but your- 
self. If you ever had been it wouldn't be necessary for a 
stranger to talk to you about your son. You're not alone ! I 
can shake hands with you. For pure, self-centered egotism, 
you and I take first prize, and are entitled to reserved seats, 
first row in the orchestra. Do you know what you are doing 
when you take your son out of college ? You are taking away 
the man who stands for all that is good in the sophomore class. 
The man who is first to know when a chum is sick, and the 
first to go to him. The first to know when another is in trouble 
and the first to go to him. The first to hunt out worthy cases 
and to lend his aid. The first to stand by a fellow when he is 
down. Mr. Winslow, a more utter failure than I am never 
entered Harvard, a failure in every way. For a year I have been 
going down, down, down, and it is your son who has put me on 
my feet again every time. I never knew him until we entered 
the G. R. E.'s together, and the vow which we took then he 
has been tr.ue to in every way. ( Goes to l. e.) Fellows ! Come 
in here! (^Enter Ben., Love., Web. ^;;// Mason, l.) There, 
Mr. Winslow, we are all G. R. E.'s, and it is to these fellows 
that I owe the fact that I am even a quarter part of a man. 



A REGULAR 9CREAM 39 

Through the influence of your son, I've started again to-night 
to try to redeem myself. This time I believe I am going to 
succeed. Not the first day, nor the second, but in the long 
race, with the help of these brothers, I'm going to win out. 
And you are taking your son from college because he is one of 
us. Because he has been my savior. 

Wins. Beaufort, you can rever know what your confession 
means to me. When I placed my ban upon college fraternities 
and gave no reason, I suppose it seemed despotic, but after you 
hear my reason, you will not wonder that I didn't care to talk 
about it. Way back in '84 there was a society at Harvard 
known as the Socrates. We had among our number a fellow 
of superior intellect and ability, but of weak principles, which 
he claimed were inherited. For convenience we will call him 
Grant. In his junior year he began to go slowly down, and by 
the time we graduated Grant was anything but a desirable 
friend. The Socrates was a very superior organization. 
Superior in our own estimation. Nothing was quite good 
enough for us, and we picked, as we flattered ourselves, the 
best men of each class. Grant was married soon after we grad- 
uated, and for two months it seemed as if he was going to 
amount to something, but after that two months he was worse 
than ever. The most of us knew and respected the girl he 
married, and we were disgusted with him. He came to our 
second reunion. Heaven only knows what possessed him to 
come. He was about as far down as a man can go, but I think 
one little word of encouragement might have saved him. That 
word not one of us was ready to speak. To a man we cut him 
dead. That night he committed suicide. We were to blame. 
The Socrates met once more. Met to disorganize, and we made 
a solemn vow that no son of ours should ever join a fraternity. 
But now I rescind that vow, for the G. R. E.'s to-night have 
atoned for the wrong done by the Socrates. Myles, my son 
and your father are going to be the greatest chums on record. 
My sorrow and disappointment of eight years ago have made 
me anything but the right kind of a father, but I, like Austin, 
am making a new start to-night. Myles, to our home you are 
to bring Beaufort at every vacation. {To Beau.) As long as 
I live my home is yours, and you are never again to feel that 
you haven't a father. 

(Beau, shakes hands with Wins., and walks to the window 
where he stands looking out.) 



40 A REGULAR SCREAM 

All. Hurrah! Three cheers! Good for you, Mr. Wins- 
low I 

Myles (^quickly). Father! Grant, that man you told us 
about, was 

Wins. Austin Beaufort's father. 

Enter Brown, l., bringing a large box with him. 

Brown. Mr. Winslow, sah, I beg yo* pardon. I done 
fo'got dis box. When I arrived, I asked de station man where 
dis yere house wuz, an' he said if I wuz comin' yere would I 
politely tote along dis box what hed jes' come on de train. 

Myles. Ben, it's Aunt Caroline's birthday box. {To fel- 
lows.) She has sent us one every year since we first went 
away to school. 

Mason. What's in it? 

Ben. Things to eat I 

All. What? 

Brown. Mah Ian' ! Ter tink I fo'got it ! 

Myles. hx\^ i}^ cooked ! Here, Silas 

Love. Just a minute ! Three times three for Aunt Caro- 
line ! 

Fellows (staftding around box and cheering). Rah, rah, 
rah ! Rah, rah, rah ! Rah, rah, rah ! Aunt Caroline ! 
Aunt Caroline ! Aunt Caroline ! 

Brown. Well, I 'clare ter goodness ! I wouldn' waste so 
much time a-yellin' when I might be a-eatin' ! 

Myles. Open it up, Silas. 

{Exit Silas, l., with box. Telephone rings. Ben. answers.) 

Ben. Hello ! Yes. Just a minute. Myles, a Globe re- 
porter wants to talk with you. 

(Myles goes to telephone.) 

Myles. Hello ! Yes, I am Myles Winslow. Yes, Prince 
Cyril is here. No secret at all. Would you like to talk with 
him? All right. Hold the line. {Rises.) Father, will you 
kindly explain while I speak to Cyril ? [Exit, by stairs. 

Wins. Your friend is the crown prince of Verengetz. 
Trouble in his country has made it necessary for him to reveal 
his identity. He is in a hard position. Make it easy for him. 

Ben. Cyrome is a prince ? 

Love. Oh, gosh 1 I made him slide off Whitcomb's roof! 



A REGULAR SCREAM 4! 

Enter Myles and C\Kih from stairs, followed by BoR. a?id 
Car. 

Cyril {going to telephone). Hello! Yes, I am Cyril of 
Verengetz. Yes, I am a Harvard freshman. No, it's no secret. 
I should say it was pretty generally known if you fellows have 
found it out. An interview ? I suppose that's inevitable. I'm 
going up to Cambridge in the morning. You can look me up 
if you like. Don't mention it. Good-bye. {Rises and speaks 
slotvly ; very much embarrassed.') Fellows, I guess it hasn't 
been very nice of me to deceive you. I — I never thought about 
that part of it. When Karl came home last year and told me 
about Harvard I wanted to come over here and be just one of 
you. You've been mighty fine to me, and I'll never forget you 
as long as I live. All this last week I've had kind of a vision 
of a visit you would make me some day in Verengetz. I 
wanted my people to know the G. R. E.'s. I forgot that I 
came among you under false pretenses. I'm going to stick the 
year out, but I expect it will be hard work. I'm afraid things 
are going to be different after this. I shall not return next fall 
unless 

Car. Unless what, Cyril ? 

Cyril. Unless you fellows will forget that I have deceived 
you. Forget who I really am, and let me always be to you 
just — Cyrome ! 

Web. Cy, we always said you were all wool and a yard 
wide. 

Cyril. You really want me? 

All. Do we ? 

Myles. Can you doubt it ? 

Cyril. In that case, I shall graduate from Harvard. 

{Fellows pull the table to center of stage. Enter Brown 
with dishes. All are arranging the table and singing the 
Stein Song as the curtain falls.) 



CURTAIN 



RED ACRE FARM 

A Rural Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Gordan V, May. Seven 
males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior, one exte- 
rior. Plays two hours. An easy and entertaining play with a well-bal- 
anced cast of characters. The story is strong and sympathetic and the 
comedy element varied and amusing. Barnaby Strutt is a great part for 
a good comedian ; " Junior " a close second. Strongly recommended. 
Priu^ 23 cents 

THE COUNTRY MINISTER 

A Comedy Drama in Five Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Eight males, 
five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery not difficult. Plays a full even- 
ing. A very sympathetic piece, of powerful dramatic interest ; strong and 
varied comedy relieves the serious plot. Ralph Underwood, the minister, 
is a great part, and Roxy a strong soubrette ; all parts are good and full 
of opportunity. Clean, bright and strongly recommended. 
FricCf 2$ cents 

THE COLONEL'S MAID 

A Comedy in Three Acts by C. Leona Dalrymple. Six males, three 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays a full even- 
ing. An exceptionally bright and amusing comedy, full of action ; all the 
parts good. Capital Chinese low comedy part ; two first-class old men. 
This is a very exceptional piece and can be strongly recommended. 
Ptice^ 2j cents 

MOSE 

^ A Comedy in Three Acts by C. W. Miles, Eleven males, ten females. 
Scenery, two interiors ; costumes, modern. Plays an hour and a half. A 
lively college farce, full of the true college spirit. Its cast is large, but 
many of the parts are small and incidental. Introduces a good deal of 
singing, which will serve to lengthen the performance. Recommended 
highly for co- educational colleges. Price^ i^ cents 

OUR WIVES 

A Farce in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Seven males, four fe- 
males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays two hours and 
a half. A bustling, up-to-date farce, full of movement and action ; all 
the parts good and effective ; easy to produce ; just the thing for an ex- 
perienced amateur club and hard to spoil, even in the hands of less 
practical players. Free for amateur performance. Price, 2^ cents 

THE SISTERHOOD OF BRIDGET 

A Farce in Three Acts by Robert Elwin Ford. Seven males, six fe- 
males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, easy interiors. Plays two hours. 
An easy, effective and very humorous piece turning upon the always in- 
teresting servant girl question. A very unusual number of comedy parts ; 
9,11 the parts good. Easy to get up and well recommended. Price, 2^ centi 



^m 30 1913 

THE TIME OF HIS LIFE 

A Comedy in Three Acts by C. Leona Dairy mple. Six males, three 
females. Custuiucs, luodcru; scenery, two interiors, or can be played in 
one. Plays two hours and a half. A side-splitting piece, full of action 
and a sure success if competently acted. Tom Carter's little joke of im- 
personating the colored butler has unexpected consequences that give him 
♦' the time of his life." Very highly recommended for high school per- 
formance. Frice, 2j cents 

THE COLLEGE CHAP 

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Harry L. Newton and John 
Pierre Roche. Eleven males, seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
two interiors. Plays two and a half hours. An admirable play for ama- 
teurs. Absolutely American in spirit and up to date; full of sympathetic 
interest but plenty of comedy ; lots of healthy sentiment, but nothing 
« mushy." Just the thing for high schools ; sane, effective, and not dif- 
ficult. Price^ 2^ cents 

THE DEACON'S SECOND WIFE 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Allan Abbott. Six males, six females. 
Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior, one exterior. Plays two hours 
and a half. A play of rural life specially written for school performance. 
All the parts are good and of nearly equal opportunity, and the piece is full 
of laughs. Easy to produce ; no awkward sentimental scenes ; can be 
strongly recommended for high schools. Price, 2J cents 

THE TEASER 

A Rural Comedy in Three Acts by Charles S. Allen. Four male, three 
female characters. Scene, an easy interior, the same for all three acts ; 
costumes, modern. Plays an hour and a half. An admirable play for 
amateurs, very easy to get up, and very effective. Uraliah Higgins, a 
country postman, and Drusilla Todd are capital comedy parts, introducing 
songs or specialties, if desired. Plenty of incidental fun. 
Price, 2S cents 

COUNTRY FOLKS 

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Six males, five 
females. Costumes, modern; scenery, one interior. Plays two and a 
quarter hours. An effective and up-to-date play well suited for amateur 
performance. All the parts good and fairly even in point of opportunity ; 
the ladies' parts especially so. Easy to stage, and well suited for schools. 
Well recommended. Price, 2^ cents 

THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

A Farce in Two Acts by Bertha Currier Porter. Five males, eight fe- 
males. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays one and a half 
hours. An exceptionally bright and amusing little play of high class and 
recommended to all classes of amateur players. Full of action and 
laughs, but refined. Irish low comedy part. Strongly endorsed, 
Price, 2^ cents 



B. m* Pinero's Plays 

Price, 50 0etit$ Cacb 



lUTn /^lIAAIMrT Play in Four Acts. Six males, five females. 
JlllU-CnAIirilJlj Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH Sr^'Si^Tt 

males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
Plays 'a full evening. 

TUr DDACf ir* ATC Play in Four Acts. Seven males, five 
ItlL I liUrLlllAlEi females. Scenery, three interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

TTIV or«lIArM n/lfCTDTCC Farce in Three Acts. Ninemalea, 
InL oLnUULlTiiJilvLijO seven females. Costumes, mod- 
ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY ^^rl^^^Xi 

females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three mteriors. Plays a 
full evening. 

OtirrrT I AVrXinrD Comedyin Three Acts. Seven males, 
OWLLl LAVtilNULIV four females. Scene, a single interior, 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

TOf TUITXTnUDDAI T Comedv in Four Acts. Ten males, 
Infc InUINULKDULl nine females. Scenery, three mteri- 
ors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

mTllWrC Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven feniales. 
1 llYlLd Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modern. Plays 
a full evening. 

TUr Wr A VUD CrY comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 
Infc WLAKLK OfcA eight females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE ^^Te'^l^jourtJ^T.: 

Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 

Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

l^alter ?!• Pafer & Companp 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



LSS ^'^ CONG^iiT 




THF AWAITFNINfi ^^^^ ^^ ^<^^^" ^^'^'^^ -^ - '«» o 

lULt /tTTrtiMiniiiu Four males, six females. Scenery, not aim- 
cult, chiefly interiors ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
Price, 50 Cents. 

THE FRUITS OF ENUfiBTENMENT g.-^^^'/oilfToI" t„X 

one males, eleven females. Scenery, c^ aracteristic interiors; cos- 
tumes, modern. Plays a full eveniig. Becommended for reading 
clubs. Price, 35 Cents. 

HIS EXCELLENCY THE GOVERNOR g^'J,THlS';.^jr\?| 

males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. 
Acting rights reserved. Time, a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

AW inFAT HINRAMD Comedv in Four Acts. By Oscak WiLDE. 
Ai^ WliAL, UUJUALIU Nine males, six females. Costumes, mod- 
ern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. Acting rights 
reserved. Sold for reading. Price, 50 Cents. 

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST I?[r i^'y Ssci^ 

"Wilde. Five males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenes, two 
interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. Acting rights re- 
served. Price, 50 Cents. 

LADY WINDERMERE'S FAN ?^r.Sr '"slJe^' t1fes,'^i?f ^^i 

males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full 
evening. Acting rights reserved. Price, 50 Cents. 

NATHAN HAIF Play in Four Acts. By Clyde Fitch. Fifteen 
il/iill/iii lltiLtLt males, four females. Costumes of the eighteenth 
century in America. Scenery, four interiors and two exterioi's. Act- 
ing rights reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

THF HTHFR FPTIHW Comedv in Three Acts. BvM. B. Horxe. 
IIIL, llillLn LLLtLiVVI sjx males, four females.*^ Scenery, two 
interiors ; costumes, modern. Professional stage rights re.sWved. 
Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 

THE TYRANNY OF TEARS ^^l^JS.'^.^e.X^. S- 

males. Scenery, an interior and an exterior; costumes, modern. 
Acting rights reserved. Phiys a full evening. Price, 50 Cent.s. 

A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE ^S^^H^^^^^J^l 

seven females. Costitmes, modern ; sceniery, three interiors and an 
exterior. Plays a fullevening. Stage rights reserved. Off ered for 
reading only. Price, 50 Cents. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

?^altcr i^. Bafeer & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 

8. ' OARKHILL & CO., PRINTERS, BOSTON. • 



